and we move on...

I guess the title says it all huh?

Off to have a drink and clear my mind a bit...

Do or Die

So it's been done. In an hour or so I should get a call from Kelly, or Robin, or somebody else from the New Hope Center. As I watched that dark wet blood fill the vial this morning I couldn't help but feel just a little nostalgic about the whole thing. Has it really been five years? Yes, I suppose it has. So this is it for us? No, but it feels like it might as well be. We still hope to pursue IVF this fall if this test comes back negative - and I'm pretty sure that it will. All of the symptoms I've had this 2ww are gone. Even the boob pain. That left me yesterday, and honestly I believe the prometrium suppositories are the ONLY thing that is keeping AF at bay. I've have no cramping, no headaches, nothing, which is normal for my pre-AF. I can just hope that she will be a light one and be over with soon enough. I just hope that I can accept the results of my test with a happy heart, although I'm sure I'll be sad, knowing that God will never give us what we can't handle..

Why you can call me a dope...

After spending hours on 2ww.com and poas.com I am now totally convinced that:



1. I'm a dope for even getting worked up about a possible line that I can barely see only in the right light at a certain distance....

2. I'm a dope for even buying the dollar tree tests and then using only them!

3. I'm a dope for not using a better test - like the e.p.t. that I had in the house!

4. I'm a dope because I'm am totally convinced the lines are evap lines - due to cheap tests!(despite the fact that the line showed up in two minutes and the box says nothing over ten!!!)BUT I'm still holding out for a BFP this cycle.

5. I'm a dope because I did all this, knowing about the evap problem, most likely because I'm scared to death that when I do test with a better test it is going to be a bfn...

I hate to wait

So today is 9dpo, I've wasted two tests already (way too early) and now I feel completely fine! I was cramping a little a few days ago, and thought it to be a good sign, especially since I never cramp. Now it's like any other normal day in the 2ww. The soreness on the BB's comes and goes and I'm not nauseous anymore when I think of food. I'm always hungry, but hey - that's no different either! :) I'm supposed to have blood work done Wednesday, but I think I'm going to hold off until Friday. I can wait that long - right?????

Is this the beginning?

I just want to say that I am about 4DPO today and I am bloated beyond belief! I had to wear a skirt today with an elastic waistband because I can't get ANY of my work pants on! I wear a size 12 usually, a size 10 on a really good day and today, forget the 12's even the 14's, my size 16's wouldn't even fit!!! (granted they are a little small for 16's!) Yesterday the only pair of shorts I could get on were 16's! I'm going to be in maternity clothes before I even get a bfp! LOL! Luckily I have a few skirts like the one I wore today! whew! (wipes forehead!) I sure hope it's all for a good reason (the bfp to come) and not something else major that I'm missing because I'm expecting these type of side effects...I'm also peeing every hour on the hour now during the day and getting up once during the night or early morning, I'm irritable, my bbs are extremely sore, I'm still gassy, food tastes different, I have constant reflux (living off tums) can't chew gum or brush teeth without gagging and the headaches just won't go away... Can all of this be from the trigger shot? I know they all are symptoms caused by the HCG, but I would have thought they would be getting better since the tests show it's almost out of my system - I didn't expect it to get worse. I wonder...could this be the beginning???

A little discomfort (modified email to a great friend)

How am I feeling? Honestly a little miserable. I’ve been in right much discomfort and I think it’s because everything is so swollen. My ovaries are huge, my cervix is sore, my belly is bruised, my tush is tender...Doing the deed is even difficult because of all the pain. If I never knew where my ovaries were before, I do now! I don't mean to sound whiny or ungrateful, but this is just the hard honest truth. Hopefully tomorrow will be better since I should O this morning. (9:00am was the 36hr mark). When I go home for lunch today, DH better watch out 'cause here I come! One last shot of getting those swimmers up there to finish the job! I start yucky prometrium suppositories in the woo-ha on Sunday, which is also new for me and I’m not looking forward to it! I don't think DH is either. He's not going to want to venture into that place with those hormones all a lurk!!!


I took another P-test this morning and the lines were much darker than yesterdays so I’m confident now the shot went into the right place and so is my butt check!!! (Still leaning to the left). I’ll keep testing till I see the test line go away and then I’ll know for sure if it comes back. I keep telling myself that, but we all know if I do get a bfp I'll be wondering...is it real? is it leftovers? oh no! What do I do???

Last night I was nauseated and hot, but I think it’s my nerves along with all the hormones and stress and everything else it could possibly be. This is going to be the longest 2ww I’ve ever had, and I’m a little scared because DH is so on board now, and it’s the greatest feeling seeing him so excited and doing things for me, and not letting me do things… The other night he wouldn't even let me get out of bed after we DTD! He wanted to make sure I didn't loose any! LOL! It melts my heart a little and scares me that he will be crushed if this doesn’t happen for us. I don’t know what has happened in his life to change his point of view, but he has definitely turned a new leaf and I love it! We have already decided that we will do IVF in September if this doesn’t work, so at least we have a backup plan.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF THOSE NEEDLES?

Last night was the night we got to do the trigger shot. OMG have you seen the size of those needles? I was so nervous and was so worked up I bet my blood pressure was through the roof! I had a glass of wine to calm my nerves (hopefully the last for a good while) and sat on a ice block till I think my toes were numb. LOL! I drew a little circle with a sharpie where DH was to stick me and wa-lah - I never even felt it go in. I couldn't believe I got so worked up over that! Today is a different story though, kinda leaning to the left if you know what I mean . I even poas this morning and yes I saw two lines. I was a little disappointed I might add that the test line wasn't darker than it was. I will continue to poas until the lines disappear. That way I can be confident when I do get that bfp, it's for real and true!

WOW!

So okay - I had a total breakdown in the RE's office today - I MEAN TOTAL! I was just so overwhelmed I couldn't talk, I couldn't breath, all I could do was just cry. So the multitude of follicles that have been brewing in my now sore and gigantic ovaries have increased again. From the last scan, there were seven potential follicles that could come up and mature, and today there were ten. I was so sure that they were going to cancel this cycle. I mean I was already walking out the door knowing that when we got that call the cycle would be a bust! But you know God works in mysterious ways and while we were on the way home the phone rang. It was Lynn at Dr. Robins. I wasn't quite sure I was hearing her right, because she does have a hard accent, but did she just say take the trigger tonight?!? WHAT? I have ten potential follies and they want me to trigger tonight! I really don't know what to think. I had one follie that was 16mm, and two that were 15mm. The others were a bit smaller, but plenty large to be a possibility. So following the Drs. orders DH will get to stick that big old needle right in my ass tonight. Yeah he's looking forward to that! Then it's going to be like a porn house around here for the next few days. I'm due for a blood test on the 23rd, but we all know I won't be able to wait that long! ;)


Everybody cross your toes and fingers and say a little prayer!

oh-no

What are they thinking? Can a 13mm follie really grow enough to ovulate overnight? Ugh! This whole process is probably the most frustrating thing I have ever been through! Honestly, during my appointment yesterday I am told by the tech, "Your good to go, they only grow 2mm a day and they won't trigger until the follie is 18-20mm." THEN right afterwards the Dr. says I'm too close (at 13mm) and wants me back today!!! WHAT! Well there was virtually no way that I was going to be able to make the appointment today and I squabbled myself into an appointment tomorrow but that definitely did not make the Dr. very happy. They are very concerned that I will ovulate on my own all of the eggs (would that be so bad?) or that I will Hyperstim which in turn will cancel this cycle. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to just leave work at the drop of a hat before all the questions and rumors start floating around. Should I tell my boss what's going on? I just don't know what to do about that!

okay my mistake - BIG MISTAKE!

EEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!! So the numbers I posted from the last scan were reasonable right??? Only that I find out on Friday's appointment that I totally misunderstood the tech when she was counting follies! When I went back for my follie scan on Friday I found out I have 43 follies! Yes you read that right, forty three!!! 25 on my right and 18 on my left... AND they upped my dose to 100iu of Follistim!!! One of the Doctors came out to talk to me after the scan and said "Honey that's a lot of eggs" I think they are trying to prepare me for bad news. I.E. they may cancel this cycle. I go back this afternoon for another check and am sure I'll find out more about what they want to do now. They are hoping a few will jump out with this higher dose and take the lead so we won't have to worry about all the little ones. As of Friday they were all over the place ranging from 3-11mm. I think the higher dose of Follistim is doing something though. I am very aware of my left ovary and all the twinges and pains that I don't usually feel. Left ovary is good though, being my right tube is questionable! Wish me luck this afternoon!

THE FIRST SHOT

I'm still not sure what all the hype was about. While I was steady shaking from the nerves, I never felt the needle enter the skin.

Today was CD3 of my first injectable cycle and just now I gave myself the first shot. Things have been rather overwhelming in the last few days leading up to now. I wasn't sure how my DH was going to respond...I wasn't sure how I was going to respond. The usual tense two hour ride to VA beach was actually rather refreshing today with most of the time used to discuss our road ahead. While there were still a few tears shed, most of them I believe were happy tears, for I think we had a breakthrough today. If this injectable cycle doesn't do the trick, then there is hope for us to proceed with an IVF treatment. I am overly excited about just the thought, and like I said before, extremely overwhelmed.

As for the appointment itself, only a few technical things. Endometrium measured 8mm, Right ovary had 15 follicles ranging from 4-10mm and the Left ovary had 8 follicles ranging from 4-8mm. The next appointment is scheduled for Friday, July 4th.