The Infertile Patient's Prayer and Infertility

Lord, Give me Strength...
To keep my cool when another period starts.
To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.
To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.
To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.
To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.
To make the right decision about treatment.
To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.
" God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Infertility is...
Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own.
Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had.
Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".
Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.
Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.
Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about".
Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.
Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.
Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?
Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.
Crying just because.

whew, what a few days

Well thank Heavens that the depression has worn off from the medication. The other side effects however can be right painful! I've learned quickly that you DO NOT eat only carbs for a meal!!! That is a huge NO! NO! On another note, in just a week, I've lost about five pounds! I don't know if it's me cutting the carbs, my curbed appetite, or staying in the john all the time... I think it's probably a bit of all three.

Metformin Blues

Well, last weeks visit to Virginia Beach puts a new spin on a lot of different things. First of all, after doubting the ultrasound results and arguing with the nurse on whether or not I had ovulated this cycle, all the bloodwork showed -No- I did not ovulate this cycle, which means that the cyst was left over from the previous cycle, and I am not pregnant. They called the very next day and said they wanted to redo the ultrasound. I never called them back. I tried to tell them while I was there, that I hadn't ovulated but they didn't listen to me, and there is no way I can keep taking off all this time on such short notice. Either way, they went ahead and prescribed to me the metformin, which is definetly not my friend! The first day or so wasn't so bad, but now I'm feeling worse and worse. Besides the stomach cramps, the really bad headaches, all the time spent in the bathroom, and the feeling that eating is just wrong...the really bad thing is it makes me feel pretty depressed. Yesterday was a really bad day, and today isn't much better. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat. I hope that it's the medicine working to fix my hormones, but I can't help but wonder is it worth all this trouble, or is this more wasted time and money?

Another Day at the Doctor

Well, just like it says, today was just another day at the Dr's. Office. I was supposed to go in for a post coital and ultrasound today. Turns out I've already ovulated according to the ultrasound! and they didn't do the post coital because there was no need! The high E2 level they were worried about turned out to be lower and within normal limits when they retested. However my LSH and LH levels were reversed, and now they're thinking PCOS. They want to put me on Metformin after more bloodwork. The cyst they found at last check is gone, and a new corpus luteum was there. I just can't figure out how or when I ovulated! I'm only CD 11 today, and I have never ovulated like this...(I mean in a timely manner). Not to mention I never had any ovulation signs. I'm starting to wonder if the cyst they found today is just active still from the last cycle. Nevertheless they took a lot more blood to test for liver function, E2, progesterone and a whole metabolic panel to make sure I can handle the medication they want to put me on. Even with all of this in the back of my head, I can't help but think if I did ovulate.... I could be pregnant right now...

more needles; more blood

Tuesday Morning... more blood work. I got a call from the nurse at The NewHope Center with not so good news. My day three labs from last cycle showed elevated estrogen. I'm not real sure what that means exactly, but they wanted to retest to make sure it wasn't a mistake. How sombering this all is....

No need to worry now

I never made it to town last night to get the test. Even though my temp was still up this morning, it turns out 14 DPO still does the trick for the old AF. That also canceled my endo biopsy today, and they have rescheduled a post coital and another ultrasound for Monday Nov. 26, on the assumption I will have a dominant follicle. 10 days to wait this out.... I'm just ready to get on with the actual treatments!

temp is still up

Well... I really don't know what to think. I'm at least 14DPO and my temp is still up. I don't know how I can still think positive about that, considering the x-rays and now the doxycyclene (which is not recommended in pregnancy). I'm going to town tonight to get a test. Tomorrow morning will tell the tell. I'm expecting my temp to drop, but if it doesn't I'm going to test just to be sure. I'm really nervous about the biopsy tomorrow afternoon... especially after the HSG ordeal.

Finally got the test results!

Whew! Who knew that it would take a full week to get my test results back! I was expecting them a lot sooner! Anyhow, while I was home at lunch today, Nurse Robin (different from Dr. Robin) called with the results. Turns out the boys are swimming fine! I never once doubted the trouble was with them though! On the other hand, not such good news for me. It turns out that the blood work showed I DID ovulate before the HSG, probably on CD 8. This was four full days before the ultrasound and HSG. The bad news to this is, any egg at all, whether fertilized or not, was more than likely washed out of the tubes by the HSG dye. If it did happen to stay and be fertilized, the x-rays probably killed it, or severely damaged the cells. So this cycle was a bust! I'm just tickled that I actually ovulated without any induction treatments (that's a rarity!) The other not so good news is I have some sort of bacterial infection that can be passed back and forth between partners, and it's presence can really affect pregnancy. So we'll both be on antibiotics for awhile.
So what's next? More blood work this Wednesday (progesterone test) and an endometrial biopsy this Friday. If I've figured up my days right, ol' AF will probably be here Thursday, so I don't know if the biopsy will be canceled or not.

On the good news side; tubes are clear, the cyst on my right ovary is gone, and the cyst on my left ovary is more than likely the corpus luteum from ovulating, and there's nothing else to really dwell on!

So far...so good

Well after Monday's appointment at The New Hope Center I've got a more positive outlook on the situation. I'm still waiting for them to call with the final results, since I have yet to meet with Dr. Robin. Upon first arriving they preformed the HSG, which by far did not go down without a hitch. Of course this is my second HSG, so I made sure to tell them all about the problems the Doctor had doing the first one, and sure enough they ran into the same thing. Evidentally I have a retroverted uterus. Basically it means the passage from my cervix takes a very hard turn and it made it very difficult to put the catheter in. (not to mention painful), but after some pushing, wiggling, and threatening with weird looking gadgets, we finally pushed through and were able to do the test. Guess what? BOTH tubes appeared to be OPEN!!! There are some other things going on with my tubes that I have to find more info about, but for the most part, they seem clear. Then was the sperm analysis, which I won't go into any detail about. The ultrasound followed that. I'll write more later when I find out more.

Getting Nervous

I got the confirmation appointment call last night... So Monday morning I go back in for another series of tests. It's the HSG that's got me nervous. Last time I had this done, it hurt sooooo bad! and since the Doctor couldn't get the dye in right the first time, he had to do it again. I'm encouraged by the words of the new doc, who says the reason it hurt so bad was because they forced the blockages in my tubes open. She reassured me that they would not do that, but still advised me to take strong pain killers about a half hour before the procedure. What I'm really nervous about is what the results are going to be. I'm not sure if I want them to be blocked (which would give me an explanation of why I haven't gotten pregnant yet and the option of going straight into IVF) or if I hope they're not blocked (which means lots more testing and other options, but I don't get to jump right into deciding on IVF) I'm also having an ultrasound to check on the cyst in my ovary, and to check for any other problems. I still haven't got the confirmation for the semen analysis appointment... I just hope we can get it all scheduled together.

And oh, they also said my first round of blood work was back and as soon as Dr. Robin looked over the results, they would be calling me to let me know what it all means. By the way, this first round of tests was checking my ovarian reserve. It never even occurred to me that I might not even have any eggs to make babies :(

A little bit of History

Apologizes for the length of yesterdays post. I wanted to really jump out there with how I felt, and yesterday was rather a blah day. Today I thought I'd share a little bit of my infertility history. Of course it's been four years since we first starting trying to get pregnant. I knew right off the bat I would more than likely have problems. I've never had normal cycles. I might get three to five periods on my own every year, and most likely they weren't ovulatory cycles. Even before we were married, I started seeking help from my normal gyn. He didn't even see me but a couple of times before referring me to another doctor in that office who 'specialized' in infertility. I say that word specialized loosely, because after four years, I honestly don't believe he has any clue in my situation. To start off he ran a series of blood tests, thyroid, hormones, sugar, and other stuff. Following that I did many rounds of Clomid, in which I did ovulate, was monitored in one cycle with ultrasound and given the HCG shot, but never did get pregnant. After a while he preformed an Hystereosalpingagram (HSG) that showed total blockage in one tube, and some major blockage in the other. I immediately followed that with laparoscopy surgery to correct the tubes. During the surgery they could not find any blockages, and noted that everything looked good. There was no endometriosis, no fibroids, no scar tissue, and no cysts on my ovaries. A few more rounds of Clomid and then I switched jobs. I had to back off treatments, because I hadn't accumulated enough time to take off work, but after a year or so I started pursuing treatment again. Another few rounds of Clomid, and upon an ultra sound my doctor found a pretty large cyst on my right ovary. We gave it some time and decided on a new treatment; one unsuccessful round of Femara, and after a lot of discussion with my husband we're switching doctors! My husband thinks this Doctor is a quack! And as of last Friday, I am now seeing a specialist at The New Hope Center for Reproductive Medicine. Even on my consultation visit, they did blood labs, I have done my day three blood labs and this coming Monday I am supposed to have a pelvic anatomy scan, an ultrasound, another HSG and my husband will do a sperm analysis. So far I really like this place! Maybe there is hope for me yet!

This road I have been traveling on

The Road Not Taken (Robert Frost)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

__________________________________

Now doesn't that just say it all. Perhaps the reason this poem is my very favorite reflects the way my whole life has been that road less traveled. Ever since I was a small child I have prided myself with the thought that I am different; I am special; I am unique; and there is no one else like me. There is no one that acts like me; that thinks like me; or that is me. And though my actions may not have been the easiest way, nor sometimes the smartest... I will never regret the choices I have made in life. So many people wish to take back events, or words, or whatever. I don't. I believe God gives us this pain to make us grow, and now, another growing pain...I come to another point in my life where tough decisions and hard roads have fallen my way. I just pray to God that whatever road I decide to travel, that His will be done throughout all of these decisions in my life.
__________________________________

Four years... Four years ago I married my husband, my best friend, my companion and my soul mate. No, we don't always agree nor get along, but we're always there for each other. I can't imagine nor do I ever want to imagine living my life without him. But even with all that love, there's something missing, there's a void in our lives. We both know the void is there, it's ever present and we both know when it's on the others mind...

Four years... Four very long years I have yearned and wished and prayed for the miracle of motherhood to come my way. I'm good at everything I put my mind too, why not this? Why is the one thing I have ever truely wanted the one thing I can not accomplish? The only pitter patter of tiny feet heard in our house, are those of our golden retriever, lilly, and although we love and treat her like a child, everyone knows it's just not the same.

Four years... Four very long years I have endured test after test, needle after needle, consult after consult resulting in more tests and procedures. I have no definite reasons, no for sure diagnosis. So I keep trying, keep getting tested and keep hoping.

Four years... I have avoided every pregnant woman, every couple with small children, and even the birth of both of my young nephews. Just the thought "why them and not me?" would bring tears to my eyes and another emotional breakdown. Am I not fit? Am I not ready? What? If this is not for me, then why? How hard it is to answer all the questions pertaining to my time of motherhood from the nosy people. The lies I've told, the smiles I've forced, the tears I've cried...Is it possible? Is there someone out there who could really understand what I feel? Do they know what I'm going through? I'm sure there are many out there who have they're own issues and wants and problems, and I pray for them also, that their pain may be healed and subside into happiness, but I doubt there is anyone other than the Lord Himself who knows my heart...
_________________________________

So now I have started this blog. It's more for me than anyone else. Here I have a place I get to vent, I get to rage, I get to cry out. This is the beginning of my journey for happiness, my journey for motherhood, just my journey. I welcome all to read and comment. I welcome all to pray for those of us facing these moments. and I welcome any and all support from those who have seen a glimpse of where I'm coming from and where I'm going.