A little bit of History

Apologizes for the length of yesterdays post. I wanted to really jump out there with how I felt, and yesterday was rather a blah day. Today I thought I'd share a little bit of my infertility history. Of course it's been four years since we first starting trying to get pregnant. I knew right off the bat I would more than likely have problems. I've never had normal cycles. I might get three to five periods on my own every year, and most likely they weren't ovulatory cycles. Even before we were married, I started seeking help from my normal gyn. He didn't even see me but a couple of times before referring me to another doctor in that office who 'specialized' in infertility. I say that word specialized loosely, because after four years, I honestly don't believe he has any clue in my situation. To start off he ran a series of blood tests, thyroid, hormones, sugar, and other stuff. Following that I did many rounds of Clomid, in which I did ovulate, was monitored in one cycle with ultrasound and given the HCG shot, but never did get pregnant. After a while he preformed an Hystereosalpingagram (HSG) that showed total blockage in one tube, and some major blockage in the other. I immediately followed that with laparoscopy surgery to correct the tubes. During the surgery they could not find any blockages, and noted that everything looked good. There was no endometriosis, no fibroids, no scar tissue, and no cysts on my ovaries. A few more rounds of Clomid and then I switched jobs. I had to back off treatments, because I hadn't accumulated enough time to take off work, but after a year or so I started pursuing treatment again. Another few rounds of Clomid, and upon an ultra sound my doctor found a pretty large cyst on my right ovary. We gave it some time and decided on a new treatment; one unsuccessful round of Femara, and after a lot of discussion with my husband we're switching doctors! My husband thinks this Doctor is a quack! And as of last Friday, I am now seeing a specialist at The New Hope Center for Reproductive Medicine. Even on my consultation visit, they did blood labs, I have done my day three blood labs and this coming Monday I am supposed to have a pelvic anatomy scan, an ultrasound, another HSG and my husband will do a sperm analysis. So far I really like this place! Maybe there is hope for me yet!

This road I have been traveling on

The Road Not Taken (Robert Frost)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

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Now doesn't that just say it all. Perhaps the reason this poem is my very favorite reflects the way my whole life has been that road less traveled. Ever since I was a small child I have prided myself with the thought that I am different; I am special; I am unique; and there is no one else like me. There is no one that acts like me; that thinks like me; or that is me. And though my actions may not have been the easiest way, nor sometimes the smartest... I will never regret the choices I have made in life. So many people wish to take back events, or words, or whatever. I don't. I believe God gives us this pain to make us grow, and now, another growing pain...I come to another point in my life where tough decisions and hard roads have fallen my way. I just pray to God that whatever road I decide to travel, that His will be done throughout all of these decisions in my life.
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Four years... Four years ago I married my husband, my best friend, my companion and my soul mate. No, we don't always agree nor get along, but we're always there for each other. I can't imagine nor do I ever want to imagine living my life without him. But even with all that love, there's something missing, there's a void in our lives. We both know the void is there, it's ever present and we both know when it's on the others mind...

Four years... Four very long years I have yearned and wished and prayed for the miracle of motherhood to come my way. I'm good at everything I put my mind too, why not this? Why is the one thing I have ever truely wanted the one thing I can not accomplish? The only pitter patter of tiny feet heard in our house, are those of our golden retriever, lilly, and although we love and treat her like a child, everyone knows it's just not the same.

Four years... Four very long years I have endured test after test, needle after needle, consult after consult resulting in more tests and procedures. I have no definite reasons, no for sure diagnosis. So I keep trying, keep getting tested and keep hoping.

Four years... I have avoided every pregnant woman, every couple with small children, and even the birth of both of my young nephews. Just the thought "why them and not me?" would bring tears to my eyes and another emotional breakdown. Am I not fit? Am I not ready? What? If this is not for me, then why? How hard it is to answer all the questions pertaining to my time of motherhood from the nosy people. The lies I've told, the smiles I've forced, the tears I've cried...Is it possible? Is there someone out there who could really understand what I feel? Do they know what I'm going through? I'm sure there are many out there who have they're own issues and wants and problems, and I pray for them also, that their pain may be healed and subside into happiness, but I doubt there is anyone other than the Lord Himself who knows my heart...
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So now I have started this blog. It's more for me than anyone else. Here I have a place I get to vent, I get to rage, I get to cry out. This is the beginning of my journey for happiness, my journey for motherhood, just my journey. I welcome all to read and comment. I welcome all to pray for those of us facing these moments. and I welcome any and all support from those who have seen a glimpse of where I'm coming from and where I'm going.