and we move on...

I guess the title says it all huh?

Off to have a drink and clear my mind a bit...

Do or Die

So it's been done. In an hour or so I should get a call from Kelly, or Robin, or somebody else from the New Hope Center. As I watched that dark wet blood fill the vial this morning I couldn't help but feel just a little nostalgic about the whole thing. Has it really been five years? Yes, I suppose it has. So this is it for us? No, but it feels like it might as well be. We still hope to pursue IVF this fall if this test comes back negative - and I'm pretty sure that it will. All of the symptoms I've had this 2ww are gone. Even the boob pain. That left me yesterday, and honestly I believe the prometrium suppositories are the ONLY thing that is keeping AF at bay. I've have no cramping, no headaches, nothing, which is normal for my pre-AF. I can just hope that she will be a light one and be over with soon enough. I just hope that I can accept the results of my test with a happy heart, although I'm sure I'll be sad, knowing that God will never give us what we can't handle..

Why you can call me a dope...

After spending hours on 2ww.com and poas.com I am now totally convinced that:



1. I'm a dope for even getting worked up about a possible line that I can barely see only in the right light at a certain distance....

2. I'm a dope for even buying the dollar tree tests and then using only them!

3. I'm a dope for not using a better test - like the e.p.t. that I had in the house!

4. I'm a dope because I'm am totally convinced the lines are evap lines - due to cheap tests!(despite the fact that the line showed up in two minutes and the box says nothing over ten!!!)BUT I'm still holding out for a BFP this cycle.

5. I'm a dope because I did all this, knowing about the evap problem, most likely because I'm scared to death that when I do test with a better test it is going to be a bfn...

I hate to wait

So today is 9dpo, I've wasted two tests already (way too early) and now I feel completely fine! I was cramping a little a few days ago, and thought it to be a good sign, especially since I never cramp. Now it's like any other normal day in the 2ww. The soreness on the BB's comes and goes and I'm not nauseous anymore when I think of food. I'm always hungry, but hey - that's no different either! :) I'm supposed to have blood work done Wednesday, but I think I'm going to hold off until Friday. I can wait that long - right?????

Is this the beginning?

I just want to say that I am about 4DPO today and I am bloated beyond belief! I had to wear a skirt today with an elastic waistband because I can't get ANY of my work pants on! I wear a size 12 usually, a size 10 on a really good day and today, forget the 12's even the 14's, my size 16's wouldn't even fit!!! (granted they are a little small for 16's!) Yesterday the only pair of shorts I could get on were 16's! I'm going to be in maternity clothes before I even get a bfp! LOL! Luckily I have a few skirts like the one I wore today! whew! (wipes forehead!) I sure hope it's all for a good reason (the bfp to come) and not something else major that I'm missing because I'm expecting these type of side effects...I'm also peeing every hour on the hour now during the day and getting up once during the night or early morning, I'm irritable, my bbs are extremely sore, I'm still gassy, food tastes different, I have constant reflux (living off tums) can't chew gum or brush teeth without gagging and the headaches just won't go away... Can all of this be from the trigger shot? I know they all are symptoms caused by the HCG, but I would have thought they would be getting better since the tests show it's almost out of my system - I didn't expect it to get worse. I wonder...could this be the beginning???

A little discomfort (modified email to a great friend)

How am I feeling? Honestly a little miserable. I’ve been in right much discomfort and I think it’s because everything is so swollen. My ovaries are huge, my cervix is sore, my belly is bruised, my tush is tender...Doing the deed is even difficult because of all the pain. If I never knew where my ovaries were before, I do now! I don't mean to sound whiny or ungrateful, but this is just the hard honest truth. Hopefully tomorrow will be better since I should O this morning. (9:00am was the 36hr mark). When I go home for lunch today, DH better watch out 'cause here I come! One last shot of getting those swimmers up there to finish the job! I start yucky prometrium suppositories in the woo-ha on Sunday, which is also new for me and I’m not looking forward to it! I don't think DH is either. He's not going to want to venture into that place with those hormones all a lurk!!!


I took another P-test this morning and the lines were much darker than yesterdays so I’m confident now the shot went into the right place and so is my butt check!!! (Still leaning to the left). I’ll keep testing till I see the test line go away and then I’ll know for sure if it comes back. I keep telling myself that, but we all know if I do get a bfp I'll be wondering...is it real? is it leftovers? oh no! What do I do???

Last night I was nauseated and hot, but I think it’s my nerves along with all the hormones and stress and everything else it could possibly be. This is going to be the longest 2ww I’ve ever had, and I’m a little scared because DH is so on board now, and it’s the greatest feeling seeing him so excited and doing things for me, and not letting me do things… The other night he wouldn't even let me get out of bed after we DTD! He wanted to make sure I didn't loose any! LOL! It melts my heart a little and scares me that he will be crushed if this doesn’t happen for us. I don’t know what has happened in his life to change his point of view, but he has definitely turned a new leaf and I love it! We have already decided that we will do IVF in September if this doesn’t work, so at least we have a backup plan.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF THOSE NEEDLES?

Last night was the night we got to do the trigger shot. OMG have you seen the size of those needles? I was so nervous and was so worked up I bet my blood pressure was through the roof! I had a glass of wine to calm my nerves (hopefully the last for a good while) and sat on a ice block till I think my toes were numb. LOL! I drew a little circle with a sharpie where DH was to stick me and wa-lah - I never even felt it go in. I couldn't believe I got so worked up over that! Today is a different story though, kinda leaning to the left if you know what I mean . I even poas this morning and yes I saw two lines. I was a little disappointed I might add that the test line wasn't darker than it was. I will continue to poas until the lines disappear. That way I can be confident when I do get that bfp, it's for real and true!