Healing rain

I love the rain; Gray skies, thunderclouds just miserable rain! Who I am kidding, who really likes rain? We appreciate rain and the benefits it brings to us, but I think I can speak for many that we would be perfectly okay with 75 degree sunny days all the time! (especially if you throw a tropical beach in the mix!). Seriously though, without rain what would we have? Not much.

I suppose it's the same way in our lives. Nobody wants the gray skies and cloudy hearts, but without them how can we really appreciated all the good and greatness we've been given? I must learn to love the bad days with all the good days and thank my Lord for all that He has done for me. Sure, I cry, I want, I wish, and I hurt. Everybody does, and anyone who says that they don't is lying. I just won't believe them. We all suffer it's just how we handle these times that makes us different. We must turn our rain into Healing rain, turn our lemons into lemonade, and as a great friend of mine told me when my father was killed... "we can have chicken salad, or chicken shit - you decide." I'll never forget that, and while I'm not the best 'cook', I know that I will keep working on that chicken salad, standing in my healing rain, because no matter how bad it tastes, it's got to be better than chicken shit!

THERE EVERWHERE!!!

Have you ever noticed that when you want something so bad and you can't have it, that it seems like everyone else in the world has it? For instance if you decided you really wanted a red convertible then you would see three on the way home from work! That's totally the way I feel right now about being pregnant. I want to be pregnant so bad I can literally make myself sick obsessing over it, and it just seems like everywhere I look there are pregnant women, men and children. YES I SAID MEN! Actually a man I suppose...?... That's all still questionable. But the fact is I turn on the TV and every sitcom, drama, series, etc. seems to all have pregnant women on them. The talk shows now seem to focus on infertility and the women who overcome it, and on the street THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! Maybe they've always been there, and I'm only now noticing? I find that hard to fathom.

Anwho - Yes THEY ARE EVERYWHERE and hopefully soon will be here too. We are now just counting down the days until our cruise. Once we're back home we will set up schedule to start the injectables. I am so worried about the financial and emotional burden this is going to cause for us. DH has made it abundantly clear that IVF and IUI are just not in the picture for us yet (I don't think he will ever be comfortable with them) So if I hyperstim, that will be several thousand dollars spent on a cycle that we can't do anything with. At least if we had the option of switching to IVF on a hyperstim cycle, we might salvage the cycle and actually become pregnant. Plus that would mean a greater chance of twins for me. I've always wanted twins so I would be so very happy with that. If I hyperstim on the other hand I could produce as many as 20 follicles. I want a baby, maybe two - not a litter. And reduction is not an option right now. period!

So yes I'm in a new cycle now, but not expecting anything. I was so let down from my last cycle. Dang dollar tree tests! I had several give me evap lines that I thought were positives. However after they weren't getting any darker I tested with a name brand and it was clearly a bfn. AF came and went and I'm now on CD 10. If I just ovulate this cycle I will be thrilled.

10 days and counting

Yeap, it's unofficially official. I once again ovulated without using clomid. Be it - that it happened on CD 41, - at least it happened. So now I'm 10 days into the 2 week wait... I'm getting the same ol' AF signs as usual, a bit of cramping, sore boobs, headaches, etc... but at least it helps me confirm that I did O. So now what? I wait. WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT for four more days so that I can pee on a stick get disappointed and then spend the the next week in misery from cramps and the what-nots. OR I WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT for four more days so that I can pee on a stick get a surprise that will inevitably and all for the good...

Change my life forever.

Change my life forever.

Change my life forever.

Change my life forever.

Change my life forever.

Could I be?

Well... Did I O? Could I be... you know...? Is this a symptom? Look closer at my charts... move things around... Yes cross hairs... but did I O? Could I be? Is that a shift? A dip? Could I be?


Over and Over again I ask myself this. Why do we even bother with needing to know. We wait and wait and wait and worry about what? NOTHING. I did have a dream last night... but what's a dream anyway. When are dreams indicative of what's to come?

My dreams may be the closest to pregnancy that I will ever be. So live on dream...

It's all a dream of sorts...really.

First Consultation with Dr. Robin

I just wanted to say that the consultation with Dr. Robin went very well yesterday. She has prepared papers for us that showed exactly what was tested, what the results showed and what that means. She went over every thing and answered all my questions about my medication and labs. There was a lot of talk of IUI and IVF with the option of doing Ovulation Induction using injectables without doing an IUI. Since I don't have any insurance coverage on these procedures we first have to find funding (they have several banks they work with for personal loans) and then we have to actually pre-pick the month we want to try for. Basically if I understand this correctly, Once we do that, I'll be put on provera and BC until I have AF and then I start the injectables. DH is really riding the fence about all of this. He wants a child very badly but he doesn't believe it's right to be so aggressive with trying to have a baby. He said it kinda takes the miracle out of it. He is willing to do injectables at this point but unsure of the IUI and IVF. We are both trying to cope with how this fits in our beliefs and where we will go from here.

I did find out from my RE that she doesn't consider me PCOS, but PCO -basically I don't have the 'syndrome' but show many of the signs of the disease? I guess it's because my androgens and hormones all were normal, my sugars were normal and I'm not IR. However she said she was going to keep me on the Metformin because in her experience it dramatically decreases m/c rates in the first trimester and helps prevent Gestational Diabetes. She also said I would be treated in the same manner as someone with PCOS, but probablly a lesser dose of medication will be needed when it comes to more treatments.

I also asked about the positive beta. She thought it more likely to be a biochemical pregnancy or ectopic that took care of itself. She also indicated my p4 levels after ovulation were very low and my lining has been thin. My lining was at 5.4 last check and she has only had 1 pregnancy achieved on a 6.0 or less. She likes the number between 9 and 20. If we do IVF, prometrium suppositories and shots (every other day) are protocol for her. I believe this woman can really get me pregnant... now we just have to come to terms with our faith and beliefs and do what is right for us.

I'm going to post my exact numbers from my tests later on and explain what they mean like she did to me.

still waiting

Still waiting... I held a baby in my arms yesterday... and oh how my heart went nuts. I'm still waiting to hold my own child. MY OWN CHILD...

Yesterday was CD 6ish? Now I wait to see if I ovulate. If not, then I wait to take provera, and then I wait for AF to come to wait wait wait some more. And if I do Ovulate??? I have to wait wait wait for two weeks to find out what all the waiting is for.

On the 18th we have our consultation with Dr. Robin. So now we wait for that.

It's always about the waiting. Our lives are lost in all the waiting.

pissed!

Okay - so I called the office today to get a refill for my met, and asked about the delay in my next appt. (2/18) when I was supposed to start ovulation induction THIS upcoming cycle with new procedures. All the nurse could say was she was sorry and that there was nothing they could do for this cycle. "NOTHING" I said, but she just kept apologizing. I asked for clomid she said "NO!" I asked for Fermera, she said they don't use that there, and she was "sorry" but I still have to let them know when cd1 is and have the regular blood work done. My heart sunk right then and there! They still want to do a post coital, and a endo biopsy but won't give me anything to make me ovulate to get those tests done. To make matters worse she told me the consultation is more about my insurance coverage than my course of treatment. Basically the Dr. Found out I don't have insurance after the 5Grand for dx testing and she won't do anything else until we 'talk'. UGH! They will try to fit me in if a cancellation occurs, but I'm about a 2hr drive one way to my RE, so I usually have to take the whole day off, because they always seem to schedule me around the lunch hour! (and they know how far I am too!)

Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get that off my chest!

I know I shouldn't let this info get me so down, and I don't know if it's all the hormones I'm taking or all the pregnancies happening on the boards and everywhere, but today....

I'm just down.