I've put it off again

yeap... I did it again. I've put the injectables off one more time. It's not because I wanted too, I promise you that! This time? First for vacation, now for scheduling issues... However there are still a lot of unanswered questions that need to be resolved before we take this any farther. I've got the meds, know what to do, I just need to find time in my schedule (and DH's) to take me three times a week to VA. Beach until I ovulate. ugh. I really do hate that ride.

June really wasn't a good month for us anyhow. That's what I keep telling myself.

hmmph...

Blowing hot air. That's about all I do these days when I think about having a child. Knowing that this ride would be nothing short of a hair raising roller coaster ride, it is definitely in one of it's lows. After all this time wishing and waiting, we are finally going to have a better shot of conceiving a child together and WHAT? We are suddenly okay with not having a child!!! I think more than anything else, we are scared. This is the closest we have come thus far to getting that elusive bfp and it's really scary that we are trying to change a great thing we have going for us! Still deep down, there's nothing I want more. I want a family, of more than just us. Someone - a child - made from us, from our love for each other, who has the best of both of us. Someone to grow up and carry on our traditions, our stories and our family name. Is that too much to ask?


Now I'm just being selfish.

VACATION

So I've now officially tried the 'just relax' and it will happen theory. Yeah right. Well whether it happened or not, I did just return from a great vacation. Of course AF tried to ruin even that for me, showing up the day we're supposed to leave!!! But that's just expected I suppose! Luckily she was in and out in a hurry and didn't ruin the whole trip.

When we got home I was a little worried because both my cell phone and my house phone were filled with messages from caremark, asking me to return their calls. Caremark is a part of my insurance company that handles the prescriptions, so I called them back yesterday to see what was so urgent that they left three messages a day to get me. Well it turns out that Dr. Robin
(my RE) decided to go ahead and call in the prescription for the injectables and caremark just wanted to let me know they're ready to be shipped whenever I want them. I don't know exactly how much the trigger shot is, but the follistim she said was $900 a pen. ouch! However, she then proceeded to tell me that part of the medication IS covered under my plan and I will only have to pay a $5 co-pay for the trigger shot, and a $30 co-pay for the follistim pen! I asked her to double check that again, because I was under the impression that those meds were NOT covered! So as you can imagine I was nearly jumping for joy over the news. HOWEVER it does comes with limitations. The plan only covers $5,000 lifetime max, so that's only a couple of months worth..., especially if I need two pens a month! Agh! Now I just have to talk all of this over with my DH and figure out how were going to handle the news!

Healing rain

I love the rain; Gray skies, thunderclouds just miserable rain! Who I am kidding, who really likes rain? We appreciate rain and the benefits it brings to us, but I think I can speak for many that we would be perfectly okay with 75 degree sunny days all the time! (especially if you throw a tropical beach in the mix!). Seriously though, without rain what would we have? Not much.

I suppose it's the same way in our lives. Nobody wants the gray skies and cloudy hearts, but without them how can we really appreciated all the good and greatness we've been given? I must learn to love the bad days with all the good days and thank my Lord for all that He has done for me. Sure, I cry, I want, I wish, and I hurt. Everybody does, and anyone who says that they don't is lying. I just won't believe them. We all suffer it's just how we handle these times that makes us different. We must turn our rain into Healing rain, turn our lemons into lemonade, and as a great friend of mine told me when my father was killed... "we can have chicken salad, or chicken shit - you decide." I'll never forget that, and while I'm not the best 'cook', I know that I will keep working on that chicken salad, standing in my healing rain, because no matter how bad it tastes, it's got to be better than chicken shit!

THERE EVERWHERE!!!

Have you ever noticed that when you want something so bad and you can't have it, that it seems like everyone else in the world has it? For instance if you decided you really wanted a red convertible then you would see three on the way home from work! That's totally the way I feel right now about being pregnant. I want to be pregnant so bad I can literally make myself sick obsessing over it, and it just seems like everywhere I look there are pregnant women, men and children. YES I SAID MEN! Actually a man I suppose...?... That's all still questionable. But the fact is I turn on the TV and every sitcom, drama, series, etc. seems to all have pregnant women on them. The talk shows now seem to focus on infertility and the women who overcome it, and on the street THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! Maybe they've always been there, and I'm only now noticing? I find that hard to fathom.

Anwho - Yes THEY ARE EVERYWHERE and hopefully soon will be here too. We are now just counting down the days until our cruise. Once we're back home we will set up schedule to start the injectables. I am so worried about the financial and emotional burden this is going to cause for us. DH has made it abundantly clear that IVF and IUI are just not in the picture for us yet (I don't think he will ever be comfortable with them) So if I hyperstim, that will be several thousand dollars spent on a cycle that we can't do anything with. At least if we had the option of switching to IVF on a hyperstim cycle, we might salvage the cycle and actually become pregnant. Plus that would mean a greater chance of twins for me. I've always wanted twins so I would be so very happy with that. If I hyperstim on the other hand I could produce as many as 20 follicles. I want a baby, maybe two - not a litter. And reduction is not an option right now. period!

So yes I'm in a new cycle now, but not expecting anything. I was so let down from my last cycle. Dang dollar tree tests! I had several give me evap lines that I thought were positives. However after they weren't getting any darker I tested with a name brand and it was clearly a bfn. AF came and went and I'm now on CD 10. If I just ovulate this cycle I will be thrilled.

10 days and counting

Yeap, it's unofficially official. I once again ovulated without using clomid. Be it - that it happened on CD 41, - at least it happened. So now I'm 10 days into the 2 week wait... I'm getting the same ol' AF signs as usual, a bit of cramping, sore boobs, headaches, etc... but at least it helps me confirm that I did O. So now what? I wait. WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT for four more days so that I can pee on a stick get disappointed and then spend the the next week in misery from cramps and the what-nots. OR I WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT for four more days so that I can pee on a stick get a surprise that will inevitably and all for the good...

Change my life forever.

Change my life forever.

Change my life forever.

Change my life forever.

Change my life forever.

Could I be?

Well... Did I O? Could I be... you know...? Is this a symptom? Look closer at my charts... move things around... Yes cross hairs... but did I O? Could I be? Is that a shift? A dip? Could I be?


Over and Over again I ask myself this. Why do we even bother with needing to know. We wait and wait and wait and worry about what? NOTHING. I did have a dream last night... but what's a dream anyway. When are dreams indicative of what's to come?

My dreams may be the closest to pregnancy that I will ever be. So live on dream...

It's all a dream of sorts...really.