Monday, February 27, 2012
UPDATED! My Beautiful Baby Girl
I just wanted to update this blog to say I have just celebrated my beautiful baby girls 2nd birthday! Our 2nd FET was a success, with only minor difficulties in the pregnancy. Our third attempt at FET never went through because none of the embryos survived the thaw. For any of you out there in similar situations, never give up hope, and never cease your prayers. The good Lord has blessed us, and in time, will bless you too. Just remember that you're on His time, and the blessing is not always what you expect it to be.
Monday, January 26, 2009
back to the drawing board?
Well as you can see by my lack of recent posts and consolidation of the posts from the pregnancy blog, we lost our little baby. It was expected from the beginning and I have had time to grieve and heal. The miscarriage itself was very difficult and I ended up having to have emergency surgery to remove some of the retained placenta. It was definitely a Christmas I am ready to forget. We still have six embryos on ice and will pursue ttc again in the future maybe as early as this spring. Right now I'm going to be spending a lot of time focusing on just me. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts.
MORE BAD NEWS
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday was my five year anniversary and I have to say it was too bittersweet. My husband is the best man in the whole world for me, and I love him dearly for all he does. However I will never recommend a Drs. appt on your anniversary no matter what it is! For me, it was another bad news report. The baby still had a heartbeat, but it was only 83. My Dr. said we were too close because anything under 80 at this point and 99% of those would miscarry. If the heartbeat ranged from 80-100 the rate of miscarriage only dropped to 40%. So if that was the only issue we were facing, then I would have a 60% chance of carrying this baby to birth. BUT - that's not all. The sac is still small, and neither it nor the baby are growing on schedule. Not only are they behind, they only grew two days worth in a total of four days time and the sac is too small for the baby. To make it even more bittersweet I started bleeding again. The ultrasound showed the hematoma had shrunk, and was minimal, so I have no idea if this bleeding is still from that, or if it has already started. I have accepted that I will most likely loose this baby, and again I'm at peace with it for now. After my appointment, my oh so optimistic Dr. gave me three options.1) wait it out2) medicine to start contractions3) Aspiration of the tissueSo I know if He's given up - there is little hope. For now we are waiting.I have another appointment on Friday, if nothing changes before then. We'll be praying for a miracle!I have learned one thing from all of this. At least I can be pregnant.
Friday was my five year anniversary and I have to say it was too bittersweet. My husband is the best man in the whole world for me, and I love him dearly for all he does. However I will never recommend a Drs. appt on your anniversary no matter what it is! For me, it was another bad news report. The baby still had a heartbeat, but it was only 83. My Dr. said we were too close because anything under 80 at this point and 99% of those would miscarry. If the heartbeat ranged from 80-100 the rate of miscarriage only dropped to 40%. So if that was the only issue we were facing, then I would have a 60% chance of carrying this baby to birth. BUT - that's not all. The sac is still small, and neither it nor the baby are growing on schedule. Not only are they behind, they only grew two days worth in a total of four days time and the sac is too small for the baby. To make it even more bittersweet I started bleeding again. The ultrasound showed the hematoma had shrunk, and was minimal, so I have no idea if this bleeding is still from that, or if it has already started. I have accepted that I will most likely loose this baby, and again I'm at peace with it for now. After my appointment, my oh so optimistic Dr. gave me three options.1) wait it out2) medicine to start contractions3) Aspiration of the tissueSo I know if He's given up - there is little hope. For now we are waiting.I have another appointment on Friday, if nothing changes before then. We'll be praying for a miracle!I have learned one thing from all of this. At least I can be pregnant.
Flicker
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
No, not that website with all the cool pictures.... a heartbeat.
That's what the good Dr. called it... a strong flicker. I started crying the minute that the ultrasound tech pointed it out. DH saw it first - before she even said anything, and even though I was looking through blurry eyes, I swear he might have teared up too! Baby T. was measuring 6wks 2days and looked good. The gestational sac was still measuring small at 5wks 4days, but as long as it continues to grow there may not be any problems. I was so relieved to see that heartbeat, but one worry just turns into another with this pregnancy... Yesterday morning before my appointment I woke up to more bleeding. Brown at first and reddish orange when I wiped... Of course it had stopped by the time I was seen, but unfortunately why I was bleeding was quite obvious on the ultrasound. I have a subchorionic hematoma. Basically a blood clot. The bad news is that the blood clot is resulting from where the placenta, in a small area, is pulling away from the endometrial wall! After extensive research, I've learned that half of these diagnoses will carry on full term normal pregnancies... and the other half won't. The larger the clot, the greater the chances are for miscarrying . Luckily mine is small right now - approximately a centimeter. Because I have O- blood, and DH is O+, I was given a shot of Rhogam to keep my body from building anitbodies against the babies blood. I will probably get a shot of this every time I bleed, and after delivery as well. For now, my instructions were to come home on complete bed and pelvic rest all week until a checkup appointment on Friday morning. WHAT? How am I supposed to pull off bed rest during Thanksgiving? This is going to take some will power and some compromise...
No, not that website with all the cool pictures.... a heartbeat.
That's what the good Dr. called it... a strong flicker. I started crying the minute that the ultrasound tech pointed it out. DH saw it first - before she even said anything, and even though I was looking through blurry eyes, I swear he might have teared up too! Baby T. was measuring 6wks 2days and looked good. The gestational sac was still measuring small at 5wks 4days, but as long as it continues to grow there may not be any problems. I was so relieved to see that heartbeat, but one worry just turns into another with this pregnancy... Yesterday morning before my appointment I woke up to more bleeding. Brown at first and reddish orange when I wiped... Of course it had stopped by the time I was seen, but unfortunately why I was bleeding was quite obvious on the ultrasound. I have a subchorionic hematoma. Basically a blood clot. The bad news is that the blood clot is resulting from where the placenta, in a small area, is pulling away from the endometrial wall! After extensive research, I've learned that half of these diagnoses will carry on full term normal pregnancies... and the other half won't. The larger the clot, the greater the chances are for miscarrying . Luckily mine is small right now - approximately a centimeter. Because I have O- blood, and DH is O+, I was given a shot of Rhogam to keep my body from building anitbodies against the babies blood. I will probably get a shot of this every time I bleed, and after delivery as well. For now, my instructions were to come home on complete bed and pelvic rest all week until a checkup appointment on Friday morning. WHAT? How am I supposed to pull off bed rest during Thanksgiving? This is going to take some will power and some compromise...
BETA #4
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
HCG #4 =1034
What a WONDERFUL number! I can't believe it's actually that high! Doubling time calculators now say it's doubling at approximately 50 hours! That is so much better than the 113 hrs I started with. Everything is starting to come together and make sense to me. I probably implanted late, which has thrown all the calculations and measurements off by a few days. So I'm probably not six weeks but rather five weeks and some days. Hopefully at our ultrasound on Monday we can see more than just the yolk sac!!! I shouldn't be getting so excited just yet - there is still a long road ahead of us yet...
HCG #4 =1034
What a WONDERFUL number! I can't believe it's actually that high! Doubling time calculators now say it's doubling at approximately 50 hours! That is so much better than the 113 hrs I started with. Everything is starting to come together and make sense to me. I probably implanted late, which has thrown all the calculations and measurements off by a few days. So I'm probably not six weeks but rather five weeks and some days. Hopefully at our ultrasound on Monday we can see more than just the yolk sac!!! I shouldn't be getting so excited just yet - there is still a long road ahead of us yet...
Monday, November 17, 2008
Not ectopic! Now what?
The verdict is in: NOT ECTOPIC!!!
That is such a huge relief for us, but still a long way to go. As soon as the u/s tech put the wand in, it was right there - you couldn't help but see our little bean. She didn't say too much, but answered all our questions (what is that and that and that... you know what I mean) and the whole ultrasound was to rule out any ectopic so she spent a lot of time looking around the ovaries and everywhere. Thank goodness she didn't find anything else. My cervix was VERY tender though, and that caught her off guard. I hope there's nothing wrong with it...
The bad news is this. The sac that's there is small. Too small for a six week pregnancy. I know that - they know that- but nobody is saying it. However, my Dr. is very optimistic that this could be viable, but told us not to get excited yet, but don't start mourning just yet either. Basically I have to play out this week in limbo. They didn't see a fetal pole or the embryo, but he said it was because the sac was too small just yet. The gestational sac was averaged at 5.1mm and the yolk sac at 2.4mm. They were both perfect and round and looked good for a four week pregnancy (hmmm... I'm at week 6). He said you can't see anything more than those two sacs until the gestational sac is around 12-15mm. At 15mm they expect to see an embryo and fetal heartbeats. He expects the sacs to grow 1mm a day and I have to come back next week for a comparison measurement. He also did more blood work today and said we should know by the end of our next appointment which way this pregnancy was headed.So... I'm pregnant officially for at least one more week...
That is such a huge relief for us, but still a long way to go. As soon as the u/s tech put the wand in, it was right there - you couldn't help but see our little bean. She didn't say too much, but answered all our questions (what is that and that and that... you know what I mean) and the whole ultrasound was to rule out any ectopic so she spent a lot of time looking around the ovaries and everywhere. Thank goodness she didn't find anything else. My cervix was VERY tender though, and that caught her off guard. I hope there's nothing wrong with it...
The bad news is this. The sac that's there is small. Too small for a six week pregnancy. I know that - they know that- but nobody is saying it. However, my Dr. is very optimistic that this could be viable, but told us not to get excited yet, but don't start mourning just yet either. Basically I have to play out this week in limbo. They didn't see a fetal pole or the embryo, but he said it was because the sac was too small just yet. The gestational sac was averaged at 5.1mm and the yolk sac at 2.4mm. They were both perfect and round and looked good for a four week pregnancy (hmmm... I'm at week 6). He said you can't see anything more than those two sacs until the gestational sac is around 12-15mm. At 15mm they expect to see an embryo and fetal heartbeats. He expects the sacs to grow 1mm a day and I have to come back next week for a comparison measurement. He also did more blood work today and said we should know by the end of our next appointment which way this pregnancy was headed.So... I'm pregnant officially for at least one more week...
Beta number 3
Thursday, November 13, 2008
It's in at 183. It's so hard not to cry right now. Of course it had to be Kelly who called with the results. As soon as she said her name I knew it was bad news. She's always the one with bad news. So with only a 22% increase in 48 hours this pregnancy is either ectopic or doomed. I have an appointment on Monday to see which it is, although I'm having some minor cramping this afternoon and may not make it to Monday. My orders were at the first sign of blood or heavy cramping to get to the Emergency Room ASAP! I hope I don't end up there, but I very well may. I'm just wondering... is there any hope at all for this baby? You know God is a miracle working God...
It's in at 183. It's so hard not to cry right now. Of course it had to be Kelly who called with the results. As soon as she said her name I knew it was bad news. She's always the one with bad news. So with only a 22% increase in 48 hours this pregnancy is either ectopic or doomed. I have an appointment on Monday to see which it is, although I'm having some minor cramping this afternoon and may not make it to Monday. My orders were at the first sign of blood or heavy cramping to get to the Emergency Room ASAP! I hope I don't end up there, but I very well may. I'm just wondering... is there any hope at all for this baby? You know God is a miracle working God...
More Numbers to Worry Over
Monday, November 10, 2008
Today I had my second beta draw. The results are not looking too promising. They only rose from 96 on Friday to 149 today. That's a 72 hour difference and they didn't even double. My heart is breaking inside right now, not knowing whether this pregnancy will miscarry or not, whether it is ectopic or not, and not knowing if this child inside of me right now may be the only child I will ever carry...and if I will ever get to hold this child... More labs will be drawn on the 12th.
Today I had my second beta draw. The results are not looking too promising. They only rose from 96 on Friday to 149 today. That's a 72 hour difference and they didn't even double. My heart is breaking inside right now, not knowing whether this pregnancy will miscarry or not, whether it is ectopic or not, and not knowing if this child inside of me right now may be the only child I will ever carry...and if I will ever get to hold this child... More labs will be drawn on the 12th.
Beta numbers
Friday, November 7, 2008
So today I cruised the net for any hope I could find at all for low beta numbers. Mine today at 16dpo was 96. I've considered this pretty low compared to most of what I've found out there. The spotting of dark dry matter still continues and now I'm worried all this excitement has been in vain... Monday I will have another blood test and see how the numbers are doubling. I hope they go way up!
So today I cruised the net for any hope I could find at all for low beta numbers. Mine today at 16dpo was 96. I've considered this pretty low compared to most of what I've found out there. The spotting of dark dry matter still continues and now I'm worried all this excitement has been in vain... Monday I will have another blood test and see how the numbers are doubling. I hope they go way up!
Steak and Crab
Thursday, November 6, 2008
So to celebrate the news of our pregnancy, Jeffrey and I cooked a celebratory 'yea we're pregnant' meal. STEAK and CRAB! Since we suspected the lines we'd been seeing on the cheap tests were in fact bfps, when we went to town to get groceries, we picked up a FRER (to make sure we weren't imagining lines) and bought three pretty steaks (one for each of us I guess lol!) and an Alaskan King Crab Claw. He had never had Alaskan King Crab so it was a very special treat for him! After yesterday mornings test, we had a feast fit for a king for supper! I even took pictures for mementos! LOL!!!
So to celebrate the news of our pregnancy, Jeffrey and I cooked a celebratory 'yea we're pregnant' meal. STEAK and CRAB! Since we suspected the lines we'd been seeing on the cheap tests were in fact bfps, when we went to town to get groceries, we picked up a FRER (to make sure we weren't imagining lines) and bought three pretty steaks (one for each of us I guess lol!) and an Alaskan King Crab Claw. He had never had Alaskan King Crab so it was a very special treat for him! After yesterday mornings test, we had a feast fit for a king for supper! I even took pictures for mementos! LOL!!!What about bleeding???
So now that the high has come down a little, (not much I grant you), I'm starting to get slightly worried about the bleeding episode I had on Tuesday. It was only during one bathroom break, but it was heavy, bright fresh red blood. If I had been expecting AF I would have sworn it was her, but it was gone as quick as it came! This morning however - I passed a medium size black to brown sticky clot. Is this leftover blood from Tuesday? Or is it something more? This mornings internet cheapie is still no darker than all the ones from earlier this week and I suppose I will just have to wait and be patient to find out what my beta is tomorrow...I hate waiting.
Pink never looked so good!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
So I had to come share the beauty of what I saw this morning. Two beautiful lines. No questions, no guessing, no squinting... They were there just as pretty as could be! Pink never looked so good! There is so much to think about now. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with Amazon.com and see what books are recommended and see if I can pick up a few for a good deal. I don't even like to read, but I'm looking forward to reading about this!!! Friday's test seems so far away!
So I had to come share the beauty of what I saw this morning. Two beautiful lines. No questions, no guessing, no squinting... They were there just as pretty as could be! Pink never looked so good! There is so much to think about now. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with Amazon.com and see what books are recommended and see if I can pick up a few for a good deal. I don't even like to read, but I'm looking forward to reading about this!!! Friday's test seems so far away!
Backposts
It's been some time since I've posted on this blog. There have been several reasons, none of which are important anymore, but now I'm going to try and post some thoughts I've been keeping since I've found out the results of my FET transfer.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Little Boogers
Monday, October 27, 2008
P.U.P.O.
So I'm PUPO! A little term I picked up on the IVF threads a while back. It stands for pregnant until proven otherwise! lol! So it's been two days now since the transfer and my mind has had a chance to get back to where it needs to be, instead of up there in the clouds. I am so excited, yet I am also very careful to realize the reality of the test still being negative. However, I hope and pray that these embies both stick and become beautiful loving babies for us to have and hold.
As far as the transfer itself? Not so glamorous. However they did transfer 2 embies. Both were 9 cells and B+ quality. The were the same two they were going to transfer in my IVF cycle before it was canceled. When they were froze, they were a 10cell and a 9 cell both B+, when they thawed they were a 8 cell and 7 cell (it's common to loose a few cells), went through another cleavage before they were transferred and looked to be doing GREAT! They were really excited about the quality of both of them! I have a photocopied picture of them and I may try to find some way to get it up here later.
As for the not so glamorous part...First of all, my bladder wasn't full enough, so they had to catheter me and fill it that way - which was uncomfortable and weird! Then the speculum was extremely uncomfortable against that full bladder! I felt like I had to pee worse than I ever had in my life! They kept telling me to relax, that I wouldn't wet myself, but that was so hard to do. As far as the actual magic moment, the machine was so snowy, I honestly couldn't even see the blip (as they called it) go in. So I was very disappointed about that. I was hoping it would be a little more special, but it wasn't.
I also did acupuncture before and after, which you won't have to ever worry about me getting again! The before session was fine, he did three needles in my right hand, two in my left and one in the top of each foot. The session afterwards was horrible! He put needles in my legs and feet and my head. He put one needle in my left ankle that hurt so bad I screamed, nearly jumped off the table and busted out in tears! (and I'm supposed to be laying completely still for a half hour!) It was weird too because he put it in the inside of my ankle and my little toe is what hurt so bad! Like it was being electrocuted or cut off! And the needle he put in the top of my head gave me a killer headache, and after all of this he left the room and left me alone for 25 minutes, so I couldn't tell anybody to get it fixed! ugh.
BUT overall I am pleased. I am excited. I am nervous, and this morning I'm already feeling sick. I know it's only from the hormones I'm taking to sustain these little boogers, but it does make it feel a bit more real. My Beta is scheduled for 11/07/08.
As far as the transfer itself? Not so glamorous. However they did transfer 2 embies. Both were 9 cells and B+ quality. The were the same two they were going to transfer in my IVF cycle before it was canceled. When they were froze, they were a 10cell and a 9 cell both B+, when they thawed they were a 8 cell and 7 cell (it's common to loose a few cells), went through another cleavage before they were transferred and looked to be doing GREAT! They were really excited about the quality of both of them! I have a photocopied picture of them and I may try to find some way to get it up here later.
As for the not so glamorous part...First of all, my bladder wasn't full enough, so they had to catheter me and fill it that way - which was uncomfortable and weird! Then the speculum was extremely uncomfortable against that full bladder! I felt like I had to pee worse than I ever had in my life! They kept telling me to relax, that I wouldn't wet myself, but that was so hard to do. As far as the actual magic moment, the machine was so snowy, I honestly couldn't even see the blip (as they called it) go in. So I was very disappointed about that. I was hoping it would be a little more special, but it wasn't.
I also did acupuncture before and after, which you won't have to ever worry about me getting again! The before session was fine, he did three needles in my right hand, two in my left and one in the top of each foot. The session afterwards was horrible! He put needles in my legs and feet and my head. He put one needle in my left ankle that hurt so bad I screamed, nearly jumped off the table and busted out in tears! (and I'm supposed to be laying completely still for a half hour!) It was weird too because he put it in the inside of my ankle and my little toe is what hurt so bad! Like it was being electrocuted or cut off! And the needle he put in the top of my head gave me a killer headache, and after all of this he left the room and left me alone for 25 minutes, so I couldn't tell anybody to get it fixed! ugh.
BUT overall I am pleased. I am excited. I am nervous, and this morning I'm already feeling sick. I know it's only from the hormones I'm taking to sustain these little boogers, but it does make it feel a bit more real. My Beta is scheduled for 11/07/08.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Little Wonders
sung by Rob Thomas
let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters
in the end
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters
in the end
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain
The Break is Over
So it's now fall - officially my favorite time of year. I realized that I needed to come to terms with where we were at and I took a break from all the thinking, wishing, wanting, praying, and now that break is over. This Saturday is one of the biggest days of my life. I can't believe it's here already. Everything for this transfer is looking good so far. I've been so melancholy and sentimental in the last week or so, and very emotional, and I can't tell if it's the hormones or the time of year. Especially since I lost my Grandma - and my Dad in the fall. Wouldn't it be such a wonderful thing to happen in such a mellow atmosphere...
Sunday, September 28, 2008
...getting away...
AF is here. Came while I was at my last OHSS checkup on Friday. Good timing I suppose, since I was so worried I may have to wait again... I think this is one of the worst AF's I've ever had, and sure it's from all the medication, but I am very glad to have it. In the meanwhile I've just been trying to get away from all of this for a bit. In a very short time my life is going to change forever - one way or another and I just need time to cope with what is exactly about to go down. I don't have any details yet, but I have started back on birth control, and I expect to start the injections again in a week or so... but for now - I just need to be me, I need us to be us and I need to clear my mind of all the stress, confusion, dissapointment and focus on this relief I am finally feeling. I had hoped that by today we would be celebrating two lines... but instead we're just celebrating my health and well being. It's funny how things can change so fast.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Getting better all the time!
I meant to post yesterday to give a update on the OHSS progess, but time slipped away from me. So we'll have to make do with today :)
Well today I got GREAT news! Almost all the fluid from the OHSS is gone!!! My lungs still have a tiny bit, but overall I feel 100% again! We are already looking at a FET in October! I'm so excited again! I still have to go back on Friday for another OHSS mop up, ultrasound, bloodwork, but if all is good, I'll be released! YEAH!
p.s. After all of this is over I don't know that I'll ever be able to drink blue gatorade again! LOL!
Well today I got GREAT news! Almost all the fluid from the OHSS is gone!!! My lungs still have a tiny bit, but overall I feel 100% again! We are already looking at a FET in October! I'm so excited again! I still have to go back on Friday for another OHSS mop up, ultrasound, bloodwork, but if all is good, I'll be released! YEAH!
p.s. After all of this is over I don't know that I'll ever be able to drink blue gatorade again! LOL!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
OHSS UPDATE
I just got back from another scan to check on the OHSS and everything seems to be getting better except for the fluid around my left lung. That has doubled in size since yesterday! They wanted me to go to the hospital for a thorasictesis(sp?) (outpatient - not even general anesthesia) to remove the fluid, but because it's the weekend the hospital said they would have to admit me, so my Dr agreed to send me home as long as i promised if the breathing got worse i would go straight to the E R. I have to go back to the Dr again in the morning and if i don't show some improvement with the fluid in that lung, they will admit me regardless. At least the nurse got the IV in on the first try today - Praise God! but the new heparin lock makes it difficult to type.
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